Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
