Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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