I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
