You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
