Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
