I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
