whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
