wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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