I wish my penis had an off switch
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
