Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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