I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
