So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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