No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
