That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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