I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
