Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
