then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
