she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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