dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
