Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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