I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
