She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
