Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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