Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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