It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
