I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
