I cockslap morals
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
