I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
