I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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