I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
