Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
