I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
