I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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