I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
