Where did you get a picture of my penis
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I see more hoeing in ur future
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
