Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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