Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
