When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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