Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
