Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
