so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize