dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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