there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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