mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
