He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Drunk is a universal language darling
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
