I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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