So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
