I cannot find my penis.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
