I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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