Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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