Pappa wants mamma naked
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Too much gin, very little bucket
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize