i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
