No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
