He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
