Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
