Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
